I know you are calling from Vancouver, because I see your number on my screen.
I know you have a reasonable amount of casual spending money because you were at Starbucks and you had me on speakerphone.
I know you possess a deep rooted sense of fairness because you yelled at your Starbucks barista not to mess up "like they did last time, gawd."
I know you are probably white because the package you are inquiring about cost you $400.00, and contains "vitally important lavender sea salt". I mean, come on.
I know you are distressed because your verbal abuse is coming at me rapid-fire.
I also know you live in a peaceful country with clean water, clear skies, safe streets, good schools, ample food, a constitutionally protected Charter of Rights and Freedoms and opportunities for all to find acceptance and success regardless of ethnicity, gender, or religious beliefs.
Based on these things that I know about you, madam, I am willing to speculate that you didn't pay attention while ATTENDING any of those good schools because being patiently asked to call your sender in order to have them investigate why your parcel is late is "literally the worst thing you've ever heard of."
I am so sorry. This is very frustrating for you, I'm sorry for that. Thank you for bringing this to our attention, I am truly sorry. I do apologize, thank you for your time, I really am very, very sorry.
But I am not sorry that you have had a good, safe life. I am not sorry you had the leisure to sit vacantly staring out the window of your publicly funded school, distracted by weekend plans and the "pop music", while history lessons happened around you. I am not sorry that the happy accident of your birth occurred in Canada, where the worst thing you have ever heard of is having to take a small amount personal responsibility.
Thank you.
This has been an episode of Package Handler
and Professional Platitude Provider:
Apologize, validate, apologize authentically again, thank with apology, offer a fourth,
even more genuine apology and close with a final thanks and one last apology
which supersedes all previous apologies in it's sincerity.
