Blending In With Albertans

Dressing The Part

This is not as easy as it would seem. Albertans in these parts seem to be divided into two distinct categories.

Category One - Ranch Hand

This is the quintessential Albertan look, heavy on the plaids, denim, cowboy hats and workboots. It functions well on all occasions, is usually neat and presentable and works for both men and women.  Suitable substitutes for the ubiquitous white Stetson are limited to ball caps depicting Edmonton Oilers logos or a plain wool toque worn only if the weather dips below -60. There is no substitute for plaid.

Category Two - Oil Money

Imagine if Jersey Shore were filmed in Alberta. This season, bling is being worn on the outside of the Helly Hansen parka (unzipped). Name brand sneakers only. Women may not wear pants but may wear leggings and micro skirts with the ever-practical 4 inch pump for that winter trek to the bus stop.  Blacks and retina burning brights round out the douchery. 

What about me? Well, I fall into my very own category.

Category Three - Noob

Heavy duty 800+ Canada Goose Expedition Jacket, brightly knit wool toque from Nepal (naturally) with matching alpaca-fleeced mittens (obviously), a fleece dickie for face and neck warmth, ski goggles, Gortex snow pants and Sorel 'Snowlion' boots rated to -65. 

Or this.

 All worn over the entire MEC catalogue of thermal underwear. And that's just to go get the mail. Husband assures me that with time I will progress to the much desired Ranch Hand look, complete with sassy denims and a tight plaid blouse tied at the midriff.  He trailed off for a minute and stared at nothing for a while at this point. 

He's encouraging me to avoid the Oil Money look altogether on the grounds that "it's not likely we will ever meet Kanye."