Husband's Hierarchy of Swears

Husband is the reason I wake up smiling every morning. He is the cheese on my Mac and  the extra whip on my pumpkin spice latte. He brings joy to my days and fills my world with music. He also swears like a sailor at inanimate objects, shattering the boreal stillness of an Albertan afternoon and it's usually at that point that the dogs and I make for the sofa and consult:

Husband's Hierarchy of Swears (ominous thunder)

From the bottom up we have:

"Dammit" - This is a DEFCON 4 situation.  Something has disturbed the zen master in his practice of the subtle art of trying to fix stuff/leave the house/find a tool.

Action: Spouse and canines may choose to ignore or investigate without risk of stepping on debris.

"Oh for f*ck sakes" -  DEFCON 3, examples of  which include things which beep, bounce back or "are stupid". May easily become a DEFCON 2 if the volume is anything above what one might use to call their loved one for dinner. 

Action: Canines mobilized for retreat to sub-couch territory in less that 15 seconds. Spouse continues with normal activities, locates first aid kid in readiness.

"You stupid (a word which, being a lady, I have never used. Ever. Rhymes with stunt.)" - Here we find ourselves at DEFCON 2. Something has catastrophically failed/exploded/jammed or remained lost despite desperate searching.

Action: Everyone is under the couch at this point, enjoying a quiet read and giving the dust bunnies names and  a back story.

"(Yosemite Sam-style regression into garbled snarling)" - Here at DEFCON 1 it is most likely that whatever broke, bounced back or took too long to be found is now either scattered in a million pieces across the driveway or flushed down the toilet.

We've all been here

 Action: Move the couch across the road and set up camp until the mushroom cloud dissipates. See also: The iPhone Incident