It's Okay, The Van Is In Park

Husband whispers "I love you" and sings my favourite songs. He shouts at obnoxious trucks in traffic and hollers for Meeker to stop trying to catch Saskatchewan. His voice is both my beacon and my map; the one sound in all the Universe which can cut through the goofy, frazzled clutter of my mind and bring me back to my soul and my self.  

Unless he calls out "Honey, can you come here and help me with this?" in which case I usually hope there is enough gas in the Volvo to get him to the emergency room once all the bits have been found and packed on ice.

The day was a sunny weekend day like any other. I was painting over the strange combination of blue and mustard stripes in the guest room and singing along to Long Beach Radio, waiting for the Mandatory Marley song to air and thinking that the Filthingtons had just about the worst decorating sense of any family in the history of home decor because who puts a shiny bronze wallpaper border of constipated-looking elephants in their actual house? 

Husband had left in a flurry of phone calls and activity, in an effort to move Ze Plane from it's temporary location to our new home. I know this because before he left I was asked to produce the usual pre-departure items using only my wifey powers and keen memory skills: tie down straps, head lamps, mittens, cell phone, trailer plates and, that Holy Grail of trips, the van keys.

Hours passed. The guest room looked less like a zoo keeper's nightmare and I could hear thumps and bumps from the garage. Husband had returned with Ze Plane and was installing it in the garage where it would be lovingly restored to it's former glory, landing gear and all. 

And then, from the stillness of the sunny Alberta afternoon, those ten words that chill me to the bone and send me scrambling to press 9-1 on the phone, finger hovering in readiness over the final 1.

"Honey, can you come here and help me with this?"

Normally, I am not certain what I will encounter. Husband is, after all a resourceful adult with ADD and a brain the size of the planet. There could be any number of things I will see when I dash outside. A felled tree. Large holes in the ground, spouting sparks and jetting water. Puppies. Literally anything you can think of, I have probably seen Husband standing in the middle of it, holding pliers and wearing look of intense determination. But I knew he had Ze Plane in the garage. I knew that he had carefully measured the space available and was confident that it would fit with room to spare. 

I knew that he had been left unsupervised for at least three hours.

That is the entire list of the things I thought I knew. What I did not know was this: 

"It's okay, Honey. It's dangling from a beam."

Naturally he had Ze Plane suspended by pulleys, strapped around a rafter, accessed through a hole carefully smashed in the garage ceiling with the first tool that came to hand (his hand), held there by the weight of our minivan and preventing the garage door from opening more than about four feet. And of course I was able to help him with this. I have ten years in at this point, the only thing I couldn't do was hold my finger over the final 1 of 9-1-1 and take this photo at the same time. 

To the nth degree

Life can get a little mundane, out here on the prairie, so Husband and I have developed an approach to the everyday grind that seems to help. To be fair, we've done this everywhere we've lived because let's face it, the Internet has pretty much destroyed any sense of awe and wonder left over after Jason Statham's movies have groin kicked all the rest.

And so I give you... Extreme Alberta!  

In today's episode we go on an Extreme Dog Walk.  Rather than simply take Meeker and Jesse to a park and walk the trails we decided to don snowshoes and head out across Cold Lake. Weather reports called for winds out of the north east at 20 kph, with nothing to slow it down from off the Arctic but the odd caribou.  Normally this would be enough to qualify as Extreme but why stop there? Let's let Meeker off his leash! And now lets chase him down as he races off into the distance toward what will turn out to be a very nice Dene Nation family out for an afternoon of ice fishing. On the opposite side of the lake. 

You really can watch him run away for three days.

The family was very accommodating and not at all irritated that a furry orange torpedo blasted into their camp, followed (much later) by two very out of breath idiots obviously too stupid to operate a snowmobile because who walks nowadays? Jesse is our best ambassador in these situations, where Husband and I would normally be ushered by gentle but firm hands to a safe place for the night.  She is adept at convincing people, through her sweetness, that she is obviously some sort of Lunatic Support Dog (LSD!).

Two hours later we returned to the van with both dogs, a half-eaten fish carcass gifted to Meeker by the family, wet boots and a limp. 

Next week: Extreme Groceries!

Blending in With Albertans

The Prairie Stare

Stare Number One - Head lowered, eyes glassy and fixed, mouth slightly agape.

You have just driven into the field of vision of this Albertan and will be watched until you drive out of sight over the horizon. Or until Tuesday, whichever comes first.

Stare Number Two - Direct gaze, expression calm verging on stern, jaw relaxed.

You have indicated that you are from "out of province" by demonstrating that you have a basic grasp of the fundamentals of recycling and water conservation.

Stare Number Three - Eyes narrowed, head cocked to one side, lips pressed into a thin line.

You have failed to spit  after saying the words "hippie" or "Toronto" or "provincial sales tax."

Stare Number Four - One eye shut, dominant eye pressed to the sight on the scope.

You have inadvertently insulted an Albertan's truck/dog/mama/hockey team/brand of whiskey.

Conversations With Bruno

Dear Jeep,

Thank you for always being parked on the street just past my new house. I can't tell you how many times I've almost gotten lost on my way home only to see you and slam on the brakes, then skid crazily and wheel into my drive.  You look like a 'Bruno'. 

Thanks Bruno.

Remote

Blending in with Albertans

Going to 'The City'

I don't know where you live but I can only assume that you live in or within a day's drive of a major city somewhere in Canada or, if the stats on Blogger are to be believed, Eurasia. That is just dew on puppies dandy but if you don't live near The City then you are lost in a barren wasteland bereft of the cultural richness that is Edmonton Alberta and it's many glorious meats on sticks.

The pride an Albertan takes in claiming The City as their own is inversely proportional to how far from it they live. Someone living in Old Strathcona might think they feel a certain civic pride as they hop from bus to slushy sidewalk but that's nothing compared to the guy from Fort Mac on a weekend off. You can tell a true Albertan by how fiercely proud they are of the trouble it takes to get to The City and how fast they can make the drive on a Friday night.

Going to The City is a major pastime here. Talking about going consumes the 50% of the day not spent commenting about how arid is the snowfall. Planning the next trip, complaining about the length of time between trips, bragging about the trip just made or pretending to be interested in someone else's trip even though they clearly have no idea what they are talking about because everybody knows the best shopping is on White Ave.; it all blends together into a passionate yammer that you would do well to join or risk being branded a Torontonian (read "forner").

One final tip: Albertans only refer to one city as The City and I warn you now if you have to ask an Albertan which city that is I suggest you do so only after putting on The Kevlar. Those who live in Calgary or even Red Deer (hits spittoon dead on) are, for the most part, proud of their little metropolises and their cute little sports teams and adorable towers. So precious. But only the capital gets the capitals and that's that.

I am excited because I am, this very weekend, going to The City. It's my first time making the nearly four hour drive on my own but the payoff will be a visit with a fantastic friend. The shoe shopping will make up for the October arrival of winter and the sweet taste of freshly prepared sushi will go some distance towards making up for all the rest.

All the rest naturally refers in this instance to Alberta.

Letters To A Shut-In

Dear Neighbour Lady,

It's not you, it's me. I think we need some space for a while. I'm just emotionally unavailable. I need some time to find myself. You deserve better. I don't want you to settle.  It just wasn't meant to be. We're just at different points in our lives right now. When you define something, you limit it.

I think we should see other people.

Sincerely,

Remote

Still Life With Walking Cane and Stranger Porn

The move is complete. We are now officially Townies, at least by the standards of Alberta, in that we live on the very edge of town where the sidewalk ends and the vast, sweepy nothingness of the rest of the North American continental plate begins. I am glad to report that with the help of indispensable friends the move went rather well. We broke less than the professional movers who got us to Alberta in the first place or, to put it another way, nothing at all. The house is now a mess but it is our mess and that is grand indeed. 

The mess left behind by the previous owners is another matter altogether.

The place needs some attention, which the previous owners were unwilling or unable to provide. Things like new flooring and a kitchen counter top and a colour scheme from post-1995. But that is all very easy to remedy and, in fact, why we chose the place. Renovations keep the marriage strong.  Once they are completed. And the bleeding stops.

Further, when the previous owners, henceforth to be referred to as the Filthingtons, vacated the grounds they left behind a number of items that have entertained, puzzled and in one instance downright appalled us.  The engraved cane left hanging in the front closet is a fun mystery we happily will never solve. The cheese spreader and Pampered Chef stoneware scrapers excavated from behind the stove were on the mundane side, as was the little pottery ashtray from Mexico, delightfully decorated with a flamingo in a bikini. The metal sign in the garage which reads "Caution: Live Bombs Inside, Risk of Serious Bodily Harm, You May Die" is getting framed and hung on the bathroom door. And the greasy digest of dirty stories left in upstairs bathroom was removed with double gloved hands and thrown hastily in the trash.

The detritus of others lives can often paint quite a picture. Anyone poking through my house will deduce right away that I love Husband, books, my camera, chocolate chip cookies, almost knitting stuff, and science fiction.  I believe my new home was once owned by a world traveling foodie/explosives expert who smoked like a chimney, walked with a limp and had incredibly hairy palms.