Noises Off

For the sake of peace in the marriage, and in an effort to maintain the illusion that I do not live with a crazy person, here is a list of sounds (and my guesses v. actual cause) that frequently emanate from random corners of the property which I do not question:

1.  Shattering glass.  Possible cause: Husband dropped a mirror while moving stuff in the garage.  Actual cause:  Husband dropped a mirror while flashing a low-flying airplane in an attempt to signal his buddy, the pilot, that he, Paycheck, is a complete twit.
2.  Loud banging - wooden. Possible cause: Wind has simultaneously slammed closed all of the doors on the second floor.  Actual cause: Husband has just walked into an open cupboard door, injured his head and shut the door so hard it has bounced open and hit his head a second time.
3.  Loud banging - metallic. Possible cause: Husband has used a 10 Lb sledge to remove a stubborn brake drum from the van.  Actual cause: Husband has used a 10 Lb sledge to remove a stubborn brake drum from the van (this happens often enough that the sound is now quite unmistakable).
4.  Loud banging - explosive. Possible cause: Husband has just shot himself in the foot with a nail gun (extremely likely).  Actual cause: Husband has accidentally super glued a sports ball to a dry suit with industrial epoxy.  The heat from the resulting chemical reaction has turned the Spider Man basket ball into an IED.
5.  Expletives followed by any combination of the above.  Possible cause: In four years my writers' curiosity has never driven me to investigate this and, should you find yourself overwhelmed with the need for illumination in this regard, I invite you to stop by and see for yourself.  


The dogs and I will be under the couch.