Pausing at the front entrance to the biggest grocery store in the valley, I took in the scene. Every shelf had 'SALE!' blazoned across it. Aggressively cheerful Christmas 'Muzak' was barely audible over the din of voices as crowds of people bustled about pushing shopping carts overflowing with Brussels sprouts, bags of chips and screaming children. Ah, Christmas.
Normally I wouldn't dream of being anywhere near a shopping centre this close to a major food holiday but I had left it to the last minute to purchase my Christmas dinner supplies, namely the turkey. I was expecting guests for dinner and they would likely expect to be fed. So I gradually made my way to the poultry section at back of the store, only occasionally forced to employ my cart as battering ram when the crowds closed in around me.
Staring into the bin of fresh birds, their naked little backs all goose-pimply (turkey-pimply?) and exposed, I was briefly struck with the urge to be a vegetarian again, if only to avoid having to touch turkey neck, the grossest part of the whole business. Turkey neck is disgusting and only dads who like to trick their children out of choicer scraps while carving enjoy making a reversely psychological fuss about gristle and stringy tendons.
'...six, maybe eight people for dinner at 1/2 pound of uncooked bird per person plus extra for leftovers and soup...' I did turkey math in my head as I dug down through the embarrassingly naked pile of 'young, fresh turkeys.' I wouldn't need a very big one so I rummaged for the best deal. At the very bottom of the cooler I came across two of the biggest birds I had ever seen. Think prehistoric. Think ostrich. Think too large for my small needs, unless I invited the rest of my street. I turned the biggest of the pair around in my hands, it was very nearly the size of my oven.
It was a that point that the unnoticed woman next to me spoke up.
'Oh, you don't want that one. That's too big. You'd be better off with one or two of the smaller ones,' she said as she actually began reaching for the bird under my hands.
Our eyes met and narrowed as we each took in our enemy. She was small, with perfect hair cut short in the no-nonsense style of a busy mom who is organized and on schedule and here I was, in her way and sipping a latte, while I was shopping. And I was touching her perfect Christmas dinner.
With a big cheery smile and a bit of a grunt I heaved that 24 pound dead carcass into my cart and wheeled it away as she seethed. Over my shoulder I laughingly remarked that since there was only my hubby and I for dinner, we were sure going to get a lot of soup out of it. I like to think I made her swear but I couldn't hear her over the sound of my heartbeat ringing in my ears as I struggled to nonchalantly push my now ridiculously heavy cart.
I have never bought a turkey out of spite before. It was wonderful and the five people I fed for dinner agreed. We each ate about 1/2 pound of delicious, spiteful turkey. That leaves 21 pounds of leftovers. I am open to new recipe ideas and, incidentally, also looking to rent some freezer space if anyone has any to spare.
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