Head Hunters

From a recent thread of emails to friends, I give you a demonstration as to why this blog sometimes writes itself.

About a Week Ago...
So the phone rings this morning and I picks it up and I says Hello, with a mouth full of my morning citrus fruit of choice.  Read on.

Voice: Hello, Tammy, this is [Name of Person I Do Not Know].

Me: (thinking, holy crap, some Telmate guy has found a loophole) How can I help you?

Voice: You sent a resume in to [Name of Center I Vaguely Recall] about two months ago and we are now beginning interviews.

Me: Ah, thank you for the interest however I am now employed with someone far less sinister sounding.

Voice: I can appreciate that, but before you go would you mind me asking what you make?

Me: Yes.

Voice: ...uh, okay well I'm prepared to offer you [Amount of Money That Would Make Traveling To Mexico an Annual Event], should yours be the interview that receives top marks. Just glancing over your resume, I can tell you that I am prepared to create a full time position, just for you, if you are the candidate we select.

This would have been more effective. And somehow less creepy.

Me: (looking for the hidden camera) Sorry, you are offering me a job that doesn't exist, based on an interview I have not agreed to, for a salary that sounds like a GPS location in another solar system. Is that correct?

Voice: Yes.

Me: ... I'll see you Thursday.

It's not as though I go out of my way to have these sorts of experiences, but this does seem to indicate that Hemingway sure did it the hard way.

One week later...

So. 

In an effort to prepare for my interview with Voice, I have selected a sharp black blazer (she's very polished and professional) over a graphic tee (though very fun and relaxed underneath) with dark-wash denim (but not interested in a career with you) and flats (because you don't give weekends, summers and Christmases off). I have also always wanted to try just absolutely blowing an interview, on purpose, by saying wildly outrageous things, putting stuff on the desk in my mouth and asking if I can 'keep the pen.' That is absolutely not going to happen this time. Probably. But I am looking forward to what a 'pitch interview' looks like. This is a first for me. I'm excited. However, unless the job comes with a life-sized Jason Statham Doll ('Now with life-like stubble!') I am not interested. 

Later that same afternoon...

Well. That was... interesting.

Voice: We're going to interview you now and then pretend to mull it over afterwards but essentially we really want you to come and work for us. 

Me: Sounds fun, let's go for it.

Voice: So, first question: seriously, come work for us.

Me: No.

Voice #2, blonde: Really. You should come work for us. Do you want to see my pay stub?

Me: No, thank you.

Voice #3, grandmotherly and Scottish and oh-so-tempting to say yes to for those reasons alone, which is probably why they brought her, the clever imps: Please.

Me: Gosh, it's all very flattering but... no.

Voice: Okay, we'll give you a chance to think it over and call you when we have the job description drafted.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Voice: Do you want tickets for the staff Christmas party now or...?

It was interesting. They honestly and sincerely asked me all of their standard interview questions, two of which I deliberately misinterpreted and still got congratulated for giving a 'really great answer, just really great'.

I found this whole process very gratifying in a 'I really have some mad skills' sort of way. The interview was very straightforward, the questions the sort you would expect and I enjoyed answering with anecdotes from my personal experience, as much for my own entertainment as theirs because I have worked in some fairly outrageous situations and I am just a delight when it come to personal anecdotes.  It was the most relaxing interview experience I have ever had and I highly recommend you all interview for jobs you absolutely don't need, it's fabulous for the ego. But I'm not changing jobs. Not even for better pay. 

What I get from the job I am in now is not money or the things it can buy. It is joy and laughter and tears and glue sticks; silly songs about the letter Q, spontaneous dancing and weekends and summers off to spend with Husband and distant friends and family. 

And let's face it, it's indoor work with no heavy lifting.  And glitter. So, so much glitter.