2012 - The List

Thank you, 2012 for...

• new family members Elyse, Liam and Meeker
• the continued good health of those we love
• friends who reach out with help and laughter and trust
• really good moisturizer
• Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred
• airplanes
• long car rides
• wolf sightings
• cheese
• coffee
• MEC's online catalogue
• thick wooly socks
• Husband
• and Starbucks grande decaf half-sweet vanilla soy lattes, no whip, extra nutmeg.

Blending In With Albertans

Talking about the weather.

Alberta is a beautiful land of craggy mountains, rolling foot hills, sweeping plains, peaceful forests, whatever muskeg is, tundra and Fort Mac. Such diversity would seem to naturally create a divide among those brave souls who choose the Western Way Of Life but no so, for all Albertans have one thing in common: the weather. 

Do not approach an Albertan and idly comment about the weather, intending to pass the time. The weather in Alberta is not something to be taken lightly and such frivolous behaviour will likely get you shot or, worse, branded a hippie and shunned from the burn barrel 'round back of the Co-op.

If you want to impress an Albertan try saying something like: "It's not too bad out today, my eyelids barely stuck together at all on the way to the car."

If you want to make  friends with an Albertan try: "My neighbour had mittens on to shovel his driveway last night and it was only -27. He's probably a Communist."

Conversely, in the summer if you are trying to avoid detection as an outsider you could try: "Sure it's 48 degrees in the shade and my rear view mirror just melted off but it's a dry heat."

I've noticed that Albertans are very proud of how dry it is here. How dry the air, fog, snow, cold, heat, rain and sunshine seem to be. I think it's an over reaction to how lovely and cool the sweet, soothing glorious rains of the Pacific Northwest keep the glorious coast of British Columbia so gloriously verdant. Or something. Overusing this adjective can get you into trouble, however, so save it for emergency chatting when you feel the locals may be onto you.

Good luck! Happy chatting and remember, it's a dry hypothermia.

Fly Me To The Moon

Husband can snowshoe uphill backwards, sing harmony, set a broken bone and he does this thing with his thumb in the small of my back that makes me purr like a kitten...

Where was I?

Right. And he can fly a plane. Or he would fly a plane, if he had a plane to fly. Turns out that after much careful deliberation and serious research and a drive all the way down to the other side of Calgary and back, he now, in fact, has a plane to  fly.  So help me.

Normally I would be pounding out the story in great detail, outlining the hours spent wringing hands over the decision, the coordination of the sale, the fork lift, the hacksaw, the box-spring mattress, the 78 year old British expat who's accent simply makes the story sparkle... but I'm too busy hyperventilating into a paper bag.

Husband bought a plane. With wings and an engine. And two seats. To fly. I love this man so much I can barely breathe, literally, but I have watched him Hulk out on a keyboard because "the volume control is sticky." I don't know if now is the time for the "unconditional support" speech or the "I'm only getting in that thing if you swear off sugar" speech. Probably a little of both.

Husband is capable, clever and cunning. He can fix, build or finagle anything and that apparently includes a two-seater Zodiac 601 HD in bright blue. He's so damn happy to have a project to work on that I can't help but be excited right along with him, even if it means I eventually have to take a ride in the thing I have secretly named "Smurfette".  Husband's enthusiasm builds a fire in my soul that fills my days with so much warmth and light that my joy is visible from space. 

And with all the extra gas tanks he has planned for Smurfette,
our inevitable flaming descent onto the prairies north of Winnipeg will be as well.

Shoulda Bought A Kodak

Dear Canon Camera "Fix-it People",

I am glad you are able to fix my camera, my favourite thing in the world after my cat and the smell of warm raspberries. It is broken because you designed a flaw into it, so I am super glad you agree that you will be fixing it for free. 

Thanks for letting me know it will take extra long to repair because it's Christmas and you've obviously screwed up a lot of cameras. And Christmases.

Balls,
Remote

Lesson Learned

While the white tailed deer is a majestic and delicious mammal
Who cares for it's young for up to two years,
Teaching it all the important deer tricks
Like hiding and where to find the best grass,
Maybe the ones in Alberta could spend a few minutes on some key survival tips.
Lessons like "Don't cross the road at full speed after sundown" or "Mr. Minivan is not your friend."
Then maybe Husband and I wouldn't need a new sliding door
On the driver's side.
Bastards.

Sweet Thundering Crap On A Cracker, We Bought A House

Two weeks ago, on a still Friday morning, Husband woke me from my slumber by brushing my hair behind my ear and softly whispering, "There's a house going on the market and if we act quickly could be ours."

Well.

So much for needing coffee.

42 hours later we were signing the final papers and now we await our closing date of January 28.  I am planning paint colours and renovating the kitchen as Husband waxes enthusiastic about garage space and fenced yards. 

Neither one of us knows what is in the mystery room in the sub-basement, the one with the tiny door too small for a grown human, but the home inspector assured us the giggling was 'perfectly normal'.

Blending In With Albertans

Dressing The Part

This is not as easy as it would seem. Albertans in these parts seem to be divided into two distinct categories.

Category One - Ranch Hand

This is the quintessential Albertan look, heavy on the plaids, denim, cowboy hats and workboots. It functions well on all occasions, is usually neat and presentable and works for both men and women.  Suitable substitutes for the ubiquitous white Stetson are limited to ball caps depicting Edmonton Oilers logos or a plain wool toque worn only if the weather dips below -60. There is no substitute for plaid.

Category Two - Oil Money

Imagine if Jersey Shore were filmed in Alberta. This season, bling is being worn on the outside of the Helly Hansen parka (unzipped). Name brand sneakers only. Women may not wear pants but may wear leggings and micro skirts with the ever-practical 4 inch pump for that winter trek to the bus stop.  Blacks and retina burning brights round out the douchery. 

What about me? Well, I fall into my very own category.

Category Three - Noob

Heavy duty 800+ Canada Goose Expedition Jacket, brightly knit wool toque from Nepal (naturally) with matching alpaca-fleeced mittens (obviously), a fleece dickie for face and neck warmth, ski goggles, Gortex snow pants and Sorel 'Snowlion' boots rated to -65. 

Or this.

 All worn over the entire MEC catalogue of thermal underwear. And that's just to go get the mail. Husband assures me that with time I will progress to the much desired Ranch Hand look, complete with sassy denims and a tight plaid blouse tied at the midriff.  He trailed off for a minute and stared at nothing for a while at this point. 

He's encouraging me to avoid the Oil Money look altogether on the grounds that "it's not likely we will ever meet Kanye."