His mother had him tested

Husband had the opportunity to visit our future home town of Cold Lake this week.  He drove out in the Explorer, which was deemed road worthy only a few weeks ago and is there now, updating me daily on all of his adventures ...

Day One - somewhere on the Georgia Straight
Dearest, The ferry ride is boring so I took a nap and then crawled under the Ford to check out the weird noise I've been hearing.  Do you suppose I can get motor oil at the on-board café?

Day Two - Jasper
Darling, I made it through the mountains.  I only stopped once, to rebuild the front differential, but everything is working great now and I only broke the iPhone screen just a little bit.

Day Three - Westlock @ Edmonton Skydive
Boo yeah! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 


Day Four -  Cold Lake, 7 AM 
Sweet, sweet angel whom I love, I have found our future home. It's a gorgeous house, beautifully situated on 10 acres of bald prairie at the bottom of the runway.  I can't believe no one else has snapped up this gem. Sending you pics as I bike past while the morning bird song serenades me.


Day Five - Cold Lake, hunkered in the shacks at 2 AM
So... loud.  Brain may ... explode.  Kill me.


Day Six - Cold Lake, unknown
*sounds of gentle weeping*

Let me just bend right over so you can see real deep

Dear Complete Strangers Whom I Do Not Know Even A Little Bit,

Thank you for your overwhelming interest in my personal life.  Please consult the following list for answers to all those private questions you seem to feel you have the right to ask me publicly, and then kindly high five yourselves in the face with a shovel.

• No, we have not sold our house yet. I am alarmed that you know we are listed. How did you get my address?
• Yes, my job has been posted.  Gee, it's too bad that you missed the cut off date for resumes.  It must be really frustrating to live in a part of town where the paper never, ever gets delivered and there is no internet or radio or other people.
• No, I do not yet have a job waiting for me at our new posting but thanks for laughing blandly and turning away to sip your mojito, even though it is clear I'm barely keeping the anxiety about my financial and professional future in check. You rock. 
• Kids? No, we don't have any.  Maybe they were abducted by alien terrorists or sharks or something. How do you feel now, Nosey Person?  You'd know that if you knew us. At all.
• Cold Lake. (pause for humourless jokes about snow/daylight hours/bugs/ennui, or this ) We are really looking forward to the opportunity but I can see that you're busy being a dick about it so don't let me interrupt.
• My last PAP went well, no concerns.

Hope you don't get mauled by bears,

Remote

Decalf is no way to start de morning

Husband, who's heartbeat is the music to which I dance my way through life, has once again declared war on caffeine.  This time it is because he is attempting to do the right thing for his heart health and all of that. I don't remember marrying a grown up but apparently I am married to one now.  It used to be all "poutine for breakfast" and "chocolate frosted sugar bombs" but now it's all "whole grain loaves" and "only three hot dogs for lunch".  I can tell which way the wind is blowing on this one, a few days ago we actually drove past a Tim Horton's without stopping. So I have decided to join him rather than put up a fight.  It has not been a fun few days.


Decaf is to coffee what something really lame is to everything else that is awesome in the universe.  At the Oscar after-party of beverages, where coffee is hanging out being fabulous with Jason Statham and Chris Hemsworth, decaf is not even on the guest list. If decaf were a band it would be Creed.  If it were a car it would be a Gremlin. If it were a planet it wouldn't be, it would be Pluto. Decaf is the snaggle-toothed albino Ozark hillbilly of drinks. Sure it can play the banjo, but it's all a deception and you'll wind up regretting it in the end.


Husband can calculate altitude above sea level in his head while flying in the mountains.  He can make blueberry pancakes and sings my favourite songs to me in the morning. His heart is strong and I want to keep it that way, so I am humouring him and drinking decaf and smiling while I do it, but Heaven help him if he tries to give up bacon.

Thursday Afternoons

Thursday afternoons remind me of standing in line for the movies when I was a girl.  There is a feeling of excitement, of anticipation for what lies ahead.  This is tempered with a tired sort of ache because I've been in line for a while and everything is moving slowly.  My feet hurt and I am thinking of other things to distract me from the hours left to go. 


Thursday afternoons are the long wait in the line-up which winds all the way around the block to Friday and the glorious, glorious weekend.

A Friendly Guide

The appropriate response to the question "Hello, what can I do for you?" is not...

• "Do you dance?"
• "Anything you want in that outfit."
• "What are you offering?"

Neither is it...

• "Nothing."
• "I don't know."
• "Just sign this."

It may sometimes be...

• "Tell me a joke, I need cheering up."
• "Recommend a good restaurant."
• "Where can I walk my dog off leash?

It will never be...

• "How about we start with the dishes and go from there."
• "Call my wife and tell her I'm leaving her."
• "My roommate."

The Suffering of Another

Husband and I are officially posted this summer. We are heading to Cold Lake, Alberta.  I understand the town is named for it's lake and it's temperature and it's lunar-like surface. 

The horror. 

Most people will respond in fairly predictable ways to this information.  I imagine you are thinking something similar yourselves so please consult the following list to see where your initial reaction falls.  It's been a fun few weeks for me...

Sympathy Response A - sad face accompanied by gentle, comforting touch to my     
     shoulder.
Most people fall into this category.  It shows genuine caring and I get this from strangers and friends alike.  It is a true outpouring of real compassion.  Nevertheless, it does not prevent me from enjoying how confused they get when I explain that Husband and I requested this posting.  We really did.  No one gets that.  Weird.

Sympathy Response B - sad face accompanied by gentle, comforting touch to their               
chest.
This one puzzled me for a long time but I think it means they have lost a loved one to the Cold Lake Monster or the recent zombie outbreak and are self-soothing in order to keep from losing it.  I usually offer these folks a candy and a hot beverage.

Schadenfreude - gleeful smirk followed by an ironic, "Oh, have fun."
These folks are my favourite.  I let them crank on about how devastatingly cold it will be. In Cold Lake. In the winter.  In Canada.  I figure it's their only joke so I let them take it all the way to their punch line, ("Sure hope you like to shovel! Hnur hnur hnur.") before I take a deep breath and just burst into blubbering sobs that wrack my whole body.  I mean I really let loose.  On my best day there's a trail of snot all the way to my chin.  I maintain wounded and confused eye contact the entire time, shaking my head and gasping "Whu-whu-why di-d-did you h-h-have to suh-suh-say that!?" between heart wrenching sobs.  I can usually keep it up until they reach out and try to comfort me at which point I jerk away, scream "Don't touch me!" and watch them stagger back, confused and trying to flee.  I've never actually made someone cry with me but we are here until August, so there's time yet.

I Reject Your Reality And Substitute My Own

I want a family motto.   Friends and I have been geeking out over "Game Of Thrones". This is a television show based on the novels of George R.R. Martin and his amazing ability to write naked people into nearly every scene. Central to the plot is the strife between several noble families, each of whom have their own "words" or motto.  One of these same above friends recently returned from Scotland and brought with him some interesting facts about his family and heritage.  He discovered the clan he belongs to and what his clan "words" are.  It seems a wonderful thing, to have cry or motto that distinctly identifies you as a member of a specific group, something more profound than "Learn to drive!"


I am not certain where my family comes from, I know it's an old name.  One of the oldest when you consider that it's Abraham. I think if I applied myself to the search I would likely be able to kick up a little information fairly easily in a short amount of time about my family roots, through one of the many tools available online.


I know, I very nearly didn't get through that myself without giggling.  "Apply myself..." So funny. We all know I'd get bored after two minutes and spend the rest of the day surfing lol cats.  It would be far easier for me to make one up, right here on the spot, which I have just done.  So my words will be now and henceforth, "Replace Reality With Optimism."  It's a bit wordy but "Jesse Is Coming" seems to lend itself to too many off-colour remarks.