Blending In With Albertans

Dressing The Part

This is not as easy as it would seem. Albertans in these parts seem to be divided into two distinct categories.

Category One - Ranch Hand

This is the quintessential Albertan look, heavy on the plaids, denim, cowboy hats and workboots. It functions well on all occasions, is usually neat and presentable and works for both men and women.  Suitable substitutes for the ubiquitous white Stetson are limited to ball caps depicting Edmonton Oilers logos or a plain wool toque worn only if the weather dips below -60. There is no substitute for plaid.

Category Two - Oil Money

Imagine if Jersey Shore were filmed in Alberta. This season, bling is being worn on the outside of the Helly Hansen parka (unzipped). Name brand sneakers only. Women may not wear pants but may wear leggings and micro skirts with the ever-practical 4 inch pump for that winter trek to the bus stop.  Blacks and retina burning brights round out the douchery. 

What about me? Well, I fall into my very own category.

Category Three - Noob

Heavy duty 800+ Canada Goose Expedition Jacket, brightly knit wool toque from Nepal (naturally) with matching alpaca-fleeced mittens (obviously), a fleece dickie for face and neck warmth, ski goggles, Gortex snow pants and Sorel 'Snowlion' boots rated to -65. 

Or this.

 All worn over the entire MEC catalogue of thermal underwear. And that's just to go get the mail. Husband assures me that with time I will progress to the much desired Ranch Hand look, complete with sassy denims and a tight plaid blouse tied at the midriff.  He trailed off for a minute and stared at nothing for a while at this point. 

He's encouraging me to avoid the Oil Money look altogether on the grounds that "it's not likely we will ever meet Kanye."

Letters To A Shut In

Dear Neighbour Lady,

I know that you have moved to a new PMQ/RHU/SHED. I know because the U-Haul into which you loaded all of your worldly possessions, including a collection of 3 barbeques and what I hope was a cardboard cutout of Han Solo because it sure looked like one and that would be totally awesome, drove around the street and was unloaded into a marginally less small house. 

Interesting. This means that in order to walk your dog at the park you will have to pass right by my front door, every day, snow or shine. 

...

Are you just messing with me now? Because that seems like a pretty elaborate ploy to get my attention when all you a really had to do was put some pants on and answer your door.

Yours at a slightly further removed distance and now on the left,
Remote

Friday Bear

Although they tried real hard

and covered a wide range of topics,

mostly feelings, 

which I tend to avoid,

there is no Friday Bear.

Which is why the Care Bears 

are stupid.

Fun Fact: I searched for 'party bear' first. There is quite a surprising 
result when you search 'party bear.'  Quite surprising. Really.

Blending in With Albertans

 Speaking the Lingo: A Helpful Glossary

Leggings: Snow pants
Winter: September-May
Light snow: 5-10 cm
Moderate snow: 15-20 cm
Blizzard: January


Useful phrases

You're not from around here, are ya? 
lit.: "That'll be 15% extra cost."

You the one in the Volvo?
lit.: "Did I say 15%? I meant 40%."

We won't have these parts in until Larry goes to the city next week.
lit.: "I think you're a Communist."

Sure, we have a loaner you can take to work.
lit.: "Let's see how you handle a 2WD Carolla in the snow, you swish city bastard."